Lets Talk About The Nasty
by KinkyEyepatchShit
Summary: There are alot of ways to say: take off your pants and bend over, cuz we're gonna do it. Heine and Badou show us just that, and much more in various situations and settings. Guest Staring: Pre-teen girls, Bishop, Twiwang, etc.


_A/N: OHMAHGOD I WROTE SOMETHING. Yeah, this is that one thing that's taken me forfuckinever to finish. it's a bundle of drabbles wherein Heine and Badou are stuck in kinky, delicious, and mostly hilarious situations. THEY'RE DOING IT -GASP- Yes, so if awkward!sex isn't the thing for you, I suggest you skedaddle. Rather, its like a glance and then you're like ohhh I see what you're doing thar. Nothing too explicit. Dick grabbing. Nuff said.  
_

_Disclaimer: OHO, YOU THOUGHT I FORGOT ABOUT YOU. I don't own. That is all._

_Summary: Roses are red, violets are blue. Suck my dick.  
_

1. RolePlay:

"Oh. Eyepatch-sama. Touch me more," Heine stated in a tone with zero inflection, crimson eyes boring into his partners. He tilted his head to the side, eyebrows raised expectantly. [_Screw this shit, I just wanna go home, not listen to this fucktard_.]

Badou flung up his hands and groaned dejectedly. "No, no, no, not like _that_, dumbshit! [_and what the fuck have I told you about calling me that!?]" _He grabbed the albino by his narrow shoulders, peering at him with his good eye, before elaborating: "The naughty princess should put more emphasis into her horny request!" The redhead scowled, the cigarette at the corner of his mouth drooping to mirror his mood. "You make a suck-y princess, asswad."

The naughty princess in turn rewarded her chicken shit knight in pirate-y Eyepatch with a mean left hook to his front teeth. "No one calls me a suck-y princess, especially not Eyepatch bastards."

2. Fetish:

Heine pressed his lips to Badous' with renewed vigor, and nipping and biting and snarling, he parted his legs to accommodate the redheads' hasty slide forward between them. Badou squeezed the albinos' hips as a signal to '_let me the fuck up, I'm not a zombie fuck, unlike you, and I need air, motherfucker!' _He pulled away with a moan, his desire for nicotine critical. "Shit. Why didn't we think of this fuckin sooner?"

Heine smirked and tugged thoughtfully at the end of Badous' newly braided do. [He'd 'agreed' to it, kicking and screaming all-the-while, until he saw Heines' part of the bargain. Afterwards, he merely wondered where the fuck the cockhop had learned to do that, and prayed to a god he didn't even believe in that it wasn't the lolicon priest.] "Cause you're a pussy and didn't wanna reveal your dumbass fetish," he drawled, warm, insistent fingers sliding from the redheads' hair and trailing down his shoulders and ribs, drawing a shuddery sigh from his partner.

Badous' gaze automatically settled to the left side of the albino's face where his very own black eyepatch covered one crimson eye, the straps extending to wrap snugly over snow-white hair. He felt a sudden stirring as his dick twitched and nudged against Heines' navel. "Oh. Right." He leaned forward and crushed their lips together, at this point agreeing with basically anything, if only to get those pants the fuck _off_.

3. Don't Make Me:

"Is it in yet?" Heine panted, slowly rocking backward against the tip of Badous' cock, barely nudged inside, his hands planted firmly on the mattress beneath him. "Well, is it? You're awfully quiet back there." He let out a shaky bark of laughter as Badou sunk in another agonizingly slow inch. "Need a moment, eyepatch? I don't feel anything, did you jizz already or what?"

The sudden hand-shaped pressure wrenching his legs further apart, dragging a moan from his parted lips, was followed by: "Don't make me turn this goddamn car around, fuckhead!"

Heine blinked then snorted. "Let me point out that you just referred to your prick as a car [its not all that powerful, to be honest]. Second," he twisted his neck around to give the other man a deadpan look, crimson eyes glinting with amusement. "you've been watching way too many road trip movies, _and _you're retarded."

Badou fixed his partner with an irate scowl, defeated by his flushed cheeks and heaving chest, and planted his hands on the albinos' hips, stating, "It's fuckin' in."

"Finally after about two years of hemming and hawing, its fucking in," Heine scoffed, rolling his eyes skyward with a muttered, 'cunt.'

"How bout you put that bitch ass voice of yours to better use by moaning my name?" Badou retorted, his stern glare failing on account of the tight heat that engulfed his cock, thoroughly distracting.

"How bout you start moving your hips like a good little bitch and moan _my _name, as per usual?" Heine answered.

4. Date Night:

_I'm leaving you, Bella. I can't let you get hurt. _Badou let out a pained groan and slouched in the stiff, sticky movie-theater seat, shooting a glare at his partner. "Oh fuckin' _christ_. Why the fuck did you make us see this shitty movie?"

Heine offered him a single glance before shoving a hand into the bucket of popcorn in his lap. "Dunno. Was bored. This was the only one showing besides Avatar. Faggy vamp teenagers trumps blue hippies." Here he stuffed a handful of the junk into his mouth, crimson eyes on the screen. Bella had started to weep, her facial expression remaining the same throughout.

"I'd rather go see those blue hippies than see this garbage. That dude is sparkling, Heine. Fuckin' _sparkling."_ In his outrage he reached into the nearly empty bucket of popcorn, only to have the offending hand slapped away. "The hell!" He barked, retracting his hand with a pout.

"Get your own damn food, asshole," Heine sneered, "oh wait, you can't, you have no money."

Badou slumped in his seat again and glowered, fingers automatically itching for the cigarette package in his coat pocket, alas, empty. "Hatechu. What the fuck am I supposed to do to entertain myself?" He whined, offering the albino a pitiful stare, complete with wobbly lip. [as if that would work on the asshole.]

His partner lowered the empty bucket into the seat next to him and fixed Badou with his infamous seductive look. [just a lowering of the eyelashes _just so_, and a curling sneer his lips.] "I can think of a few things." He patted his crotch demonstratively.

"I'm not suckin' your dick in this crowded movie theater." Badou hissed, his single eye sweeping the countless pre-teens and teenaged girls. "Godfuck. I knew you were fucked up in the head, but getting off like this? That's a new low, man." He tsk-ed and shook his head.

Heine casually unzipped his fly, unperturbed. "You worried about getting caught, chicken shit?"

"No!" his protest was immediately shushed by a chorus of squeaky-voiced teenagers. "No," he reiterated with a huff, "the floor is all sticky and shit. 'sides, there's nothin' in it for me."

"I'll get you cigarettes." Heine stated. Badou, albeit begrudgingly, dropped to the floor so fast his knees cracked. And that was that.

Until, "_Oh, Edward!_" Badou dropped his partners erection from his lips so abruptly that he got squirted in the eye whilst he roared, "_What the fuck did you just say, cumdumpster?!_"

He was immediately silenced via a boot to the face, followed by a myriad of 'shhhh'ings. He did however, get those cigarettes. Eventually.

5. She Called Me On The Phone:

"You know, you never did explain why you answered Heine's phone, Badou-kun."

"C-cause he left it at my ppl-ahh, my place."

"Oh, you two were spending time together? How quaint!"

"_Nn_, yeah. Had a couple'a beers and watched Grey's Anatomy- _haah._"

"Badou-kun, is something wrong? Why, it sounds as if you're in a lot of pain."

"Fffuckin- er, no, man, I'm fine. Jus' hit my- [_cut that shit out you fuck! Do ya want him to find out we're fucking right now?! **well hurry the hell up, moron, before I do something you regret!** __You wouldn't fuckin __dare!_]."

There was the squeak of bedsprings, the rustle of clothing, and finally, a low mewl of pleasure.

"Haha, _Ohh boys_. Don't let me keep you from your _extra curricular _activities. Just remember to use protection! Don't want little puppies running around!"

The dastardly duo stared, transfixed by the dial tone of the discarded phone. With a simultaneous shrug, they lunged for each other, tongues battling for dominance, the priest long forgotten.

At least until the teasing tomorrow.

6. Pictures Of You :

"Whoa Badou, I never suspected you and your partner were this close." That statement caused something to churn in the depths of Badou's stomach; [he, of course, blamed it on Kiri's shitty food, not pegged by nervousness.] especially when he met the twinkling hazel eyes- a twinkle that always, _always_ ended with somebody in tears [usually him] and humiliated. [him again.]

All he could do was swallow that morsel of food on his tongue and pray to whoever was listening [hell, even Satan was alright at this point] that the picture wasn't the one he suspected.

Mimi grinned and flipped the picture over, revealing the dastardly duo innocently posing for the camera; Badou with a cocky grin and a middle finger and Heine with a scowl and a flash of violence in his eyes.

The redhead released a breath he hadn't realized he'd held. "Y-yeah, well. That's the result of a six-pack between us. I hate that dickwad."

Suddenly, warm breath and the scent of blood and gun-smoke and earth overwhelmed his senses, and the most damning evidence of all was shoved beneath his nose. "Looking for this?" drawled a familiar voice.

A squawk erupted from the redheads lips the exact moment a coil of heat rushed southward. His wide eye took in and remembered and etched the sight into his brain; Heine plus cowboy hat equals a ride neither of them were soon to forget.

"Give me that!" he snarled, snatching the photo from his partner and stuffing it into his coat pocket for later inspiration. Heine smirked and took a seat, ignoring the quizzical stare Mimi blessed him with.

"Don't tell me you took a nude-y pic."

"…..Nooooo."

7. Soap:

Badou licked a burning path across Heine's wet collar bone, stars blinking past his line of vision, but then again, that could have been the fat drops of water in his eye, distorted by the shitty lighting. Whatever, he didn't have time to think about this shit, not with one hot and bothered and wet albino wrapped around his waist. He tightened his hold of Heine, latching onto his ass cheeks, and took one step forward, intending to pin the other to the opposite wall.

Or at least he tried to. The slippery bar of soap beneath his feet kind of ruined it, sending him sprawling onto his ass at the bottom of the shower, buried to the hilt inside one yelping albino asshole.

There was silence filled with naught but the raining shower head and their harsh gulps of air.

"You-" Heine began with a shaky snicker.

"Don't even fuckin' say it," Badou growled.

The albino smirked in return. "You dropped the soap, you clumsy shit,"

8. Winner:

"I'm gonna wiiiiiiinnn" Badou chanted as he lowered his lips to Heine's left shoulder, dragging them across the pale flesh in sloppy kisses. Heine slammed his himself back down, stifling a mewl with a heady retort. "No you're not, dumbfuck, fuck off!"

" Oh, but I'm already fuckin' _you, _Heine-chan!" Badou bucked up into the flustered [if you could really call him that] albino in his lap, winding one arm around the others waist while a firm, boney hand encircled his cock. He tore his lips away from the wet, reddened shoulder and pressed them against one pieced earlobe, nibbling the soft flesh between his teeth. "Heine," he breathed huskily, earning a shudder from the man in his arms, who squirmed, and tried to jerk away from the warm breath and equally irritating fingers.

"You _fuck,_" he snarled, desperate, _"_don't-"

"Come for me, Heine," Badou murmured, tugging the albino's erection harshly while thumbing the head. Heine immediately lost it, head snapping back with a cry, eyes rolling shut as his hips bucked sporadically, and he finally spilled himself into Badou's hand.

"Fffucking_shit_!" The redhead wasn't far behind him [hurhur, literally, his mind _would_ have chirped, had it the ability for thought], coating the others insides with his release.

They sat, unmoving, the occasional satiated curse leaving Badou's lips, as well as their symphony of breaths, their hearts struggling for normalcy.

Finally, Badou squeezed one pale, boney hip, lazy grin having wormed its way across his lips.

"And the winner and all-time sexy champion in the sack is the dashing, amazing, talented-"

Heine cut him off with a scoff. "The dumbass."

"-Badou Nails! ….Hey! Don't rain on my parade."

9. While You Were Sleeping:

He was aware of it- hot, throbbing, burning, stretching, _moving_ inside him- before he even cracked an eye open. The scent of tobacco and gun smoke, as well as the cool air bathing his skin, [he'd been cocooned under the blankets last time he'd checked] only strengthened his suspicion.

He only had to grab the wrist of the redhead panting and moving and cursing above him in order to get to the bottom of things. [he'd never admit how literal that was.]

After the initial girly scream of terror, Badou had the decency to look guilty. "Well. This sure is awkward." It was only then when he stilled his hips.

Heine smiled a malicious smile, displaying a perfectly sharp row of teeth, before stating, "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't bite your cock off right now."

The redhead promptly began to sweat bullets; his eyes widened about three times the size of a satellite dish, half formed bullshit skittering through his mind. "B-because…its…still in…you?" His adam's apple bobbed unsteadily and a single bead of sweat rolled down his cheek.

Heine almost had to laugh at that. Almost. "You're an idiot." Then, "and a selfish, self-serving wad of elephant cum."

Never releasing Badou's wrist, he bucked forward, coaxing pleased moans from the both of them, before swinging one lean leg around to kick the redhead in the kidney.

"Owww_fuck!_ What the fuck was that for!?" An outraged Badou cried, hooking his free arm under the others hips in order to tug him closer.

"For starting without me, fuckhead." Heine answered smugly.

"Hey! Hey. You were enjoying it," Badou groused.

"I was asleep." Heine deadpanned.

The redhead shook free of the albino's hold, waving his arm in the air idiotically to deliver the point. "You were fuckin moaning and shit! And moving your hips! Not to mention callin' out my goddamn name!"

"It was probably a dream involving you sucking my dick with that one look on your face. I have wet dreams too, ya know." Heine explained, not put off in the least.

Badou blanched. "_Sick_. Jus' admit it, you were fakin,"

Heine released a sigh. "Oh, Badou. I'm going to fuck you up."

"_Wha_-"

That said, Heine shoved him back by the shoulders, successfully rolling them over with himself straddling the redheads hips, leaving Badou gaping and stunned. He leered.

"Pay back, dilhole."

10. TwiDick:

"Heine!" At the sound of his name Heine refused to look up. He figured, judging by the particularly bitchy tone of his partners voice, he'd probably find out what the fucking problem was eventually.

Badou breezed into the room in a flurry of red hair and fluttering coat tails, slapping an opened package onto the table before him. "Look, I know you always talk shit about getting toys from that creepy lolicon- but enough is enough, asshole! This is disgusting."

"Badou," Heine began, peering into the box curiously, "that's…"

"Yeah, a fuckin' dildo!" The redhead shrieked. "don't act like you don't know what the hell I'm talkin' about!"

"I didn't buy this." Heine replied.

The redhead paused. "Wha…Then who the fuck did?!"

However, Heine wasn't listening. He raised the pale, rubber object to eye level and stated. "This thing has sparkles."

"Yeah, who the _fuck _would want sparkles up their asses!? Or vags! Fuckin creepy I tell you! I always knew there were weirdoes in the world, but this proves it! Sparkling dicks- jesus _christ_. We're gonna beat the shit out of whoever sent this _after _we send it back, of course. I bet it was that fuckin lolicon."

"No, he can't see, Badou." The albino frowned, spotting the different settings for the tool. He thumbed a button, resulting in a rush of heat between his fingers. "Heating and cooling…hmm."

"You never know, man! It could all be a ruse to trick us into frilly shit!" Badou was in hysterics now, red in the face, waving his arms as if that would somehow prove his point.

"Yeah, okay- the last time he got me into that frilly shit, I bent down. If he could see, he'd have been alllll over me," Heine broke it down for Badou as if explaining to a small child. "Case and point."

"You never fuckin know, man!" The redhead repeated like clockwork.

_Whrrr, whrr, whrr _

"…It vibrates too? _Damn_." Badou whistled, impressed despite all suspicion.

"Well, that solves it: we're keeping this for awhile." Heine concluded, tucking it back into the box for later.

"_What_?!" Badou squawked, eye nearly popping out of his head. "What could _possibl_-"

Heine leaned forward and pressed his mouth to his partners, sneaky fingers sliding beneath the others t-shirt to skim along his warm belly.

They broke away in a daze, and Heine breathed, "_Eyepatch-sama."_

"Don…fff…don't call me that…especially when we're gonna fuck. Asshole." Badou wasn't called 'Nails' for nothing.


End file.
